The history of toxic relationships: the first signs were unnoticed

All psychologists say how dangerous toxic relationships can be. But the problem with such relationships is that it is almost impossible to recognize their ugly essence from the very beginning. The realization that your partner turned out to be an abuser and toxic person comes only over time.

I have a story about toxic relationships as well. We met on a dating site. I was drawn to his profile, where everything was filled out briefly and to the point. It seemed that the man clearly had serious intentions.

We exchanged phone numbers, started calling and communicating. We arranged a date. Everything was as usual. Only he was 2 hours late for the first date. He explained this by saying he had fallen asleep. He had just finished a night shift and overslept.

Looking back at this moment, I realize where the alarming “warning bell” was hiding. The thing is, he did not apologize. He explained the reason but did not say sorry. At that time, I didn’t even pay attention to it. And that was a mistake.

Subsequently, this man was perfect in every way. Calm, reasonable, kind. He bought me flowers and sweets. He loved listening to me – which is very important to every woman. He even asked for details of every story.

We quickly moved in together, met each other's parents, and set a wedding date. Yes, I managed to marry him. And even lived with him for 7 years.

There was an incident not long before the wedding that stuck in my memory. We were returning from the dacha with his parents. In the car, the old folks started a conversation – and my future husband suddenly exploded at his father. They disagreed on some issue. And my always calm and understanding fiancé yelled like a madman.

I was in shock. I remember how shocked I was. Now I understand – that was the very “red flag”. The person showed his true face. And for some reason, I did not take that into account.

In our marriage, everything was fine until the birth of our child. He did not come to the maternity hospital. The stories of how happy new fathers stand under the windows asking to show them the baby – do not apply to me. All the necessary items for the hospital were brought to me by a friend. And my husband “was busy at work.”

Then the nitpicking started – you don’t dress right, you cook incorrectly, you don’t clean enough. Each such remark was made seemingly randomly. But in everything, I found myself to be at fault.

In just a year since my son was born, I turned into an hysterical fat lady. I gained about 20 kilograms, economized on everything for myself. He controlled the purchase of every item, allocated money exclusively for the family’s food. I stopped communicating with almost all my friends – since he did not approve of them. Gradually, sharp remarks turned into open scandals, during which he yelled at me, just as he once did at his father.

I escaped from that relationship. I returned to work after maternity leave, saved up money, rented an apartment, and left with my child. I went to gyms and psychologists, regained my shape and self-esteem. But I’ll say this – it cost me dearly. Not only in terms of money but also in terms of the nerves spent.

My advice – run away from those who seem perfect to you. Because behind this apparent perfection often hides a monster. And there is no guarantee that you will easily get rid of it later.